December 19th: 'Davy The Elf' (The Monkees)

[but_can_i_be_trusted]

Title: 'Davy The Elf'
Fandom: The Monkees
Characters: Davy Jones, Micky Dolenz, Peter Tork, Mike Nesmith, original character
Rating: G
Notes: Crossposted to whatif_au

Scene: The North Pole.

Narrator: Once upon a time, in a magical place that we all know as the North Pole, there was an elf named Davy.

(Davy enters, dressed like an elf)

Davy: (grumbling) It's 'cuz I'm short, isn't it? "Davy's short, so let's make him an elf!"

Narrator: Davy the Elf could be a bit grumpy, now and then. So, one Christmas, he got it into his head that he was tired of being good, and setting an example for all the children Santa Claus delivers presents to each year.

Davy: I want to have a go at being naughty, just the once. What's wrong with experimenting, anyway? Scientists do it all the time. Why not an elf?

Narrator: Little did he know, however, that Santa caught wind of his rebellious elf's plan. After all, if he can keep track of the behavior of millions of children all around the world during an entire year, it stands to reason that he should be able to keep his eye on one elf for one night. And so it happened that Santa Claus hatched a plan of his own. That night, when Davy the Elf went to bed, still stewing on his plot, things began to unfold...

Davy: (climbing into bed) It's not a bad idea, this. Not really. What's the worst that could happen? So he gives me coal. Would he do that, though, since I'm an elf, and not a child?

(enter Mike, dressed all in black, very menacingly. he approaches Davy)

Mike: Well, hi, there, little guy. I hear you're one of Santa's elves.

Davy: (staring nervously) Yeah, that's right. Who are you?

Mike: I'm the Kallikantzaros.

Davy: The Kalliwhat?

Mike: The Kallikantzaros. Or, if you want, you can call me Karakondžula, Karankoncolos, Karakondjo, or even Karkançual. I have lots of names. (he leans against Davy's headboard) Y'know, shorty, I didn't always used to be like this. Once, I was a human.

Davy: Well, how did you get to be this way?

Mike: When a kid gets born during the Twelve Days of Christmas, he or she takes that risk. I was born then, so here I am.

Davy: (aghast) But I was born then, too!

Mike: Well, maybe it won't happen. I'm sure Santa Claus wouldn't let a nice elf like you become a mean, hateful thing like me. (casually) Unless you maybe wanted to be naughty. I gotta be goin', now. Have a happy winter, shorty.

(he leaves)

Davy: Wow. That was strange. I'm glad to see the back of that bloke!

(Peter runs in, dressed in a shaggy outfit. he has gloves with huge talons on them, and balances a pair of horns on top of his head)

Peter: (looming over Davy) Boo! I'm the Krampus!

Davy: (recoiling in horror) Ghaaaghgh! What...what's a Krampus?!

Peter: (trying to snarl, though his heart clearly isn't in it) I steal naughty little children away from their homes! And then I eat them! It looks like elf might be on the menu this Christmas.

Davy: But I don't want to be eaten by a Krampus!

Peter: How do you think I feel?! I don't want to eat an elf! You've been working all year on Christmas toys; you're too lean.

Davy: (lobbing a pillow at him) Go away! Get outta here!

Peter: (pouting, offended) Fine. I'm going. But don't be surprised if I come back! I might bring that Kallikantzaros guy with me, too. (he stoops, picks up the pillow, and brings it to Davy) You dropped this.

Davy: Out!

Peter: I said I was going!

(Peter hurries away, still sulking)

Davy: This is getting out of hand. What's a chap have to do to get a little sleep?

Narrator: Unfortunately for our elfin friend, his ordeal wasn't over quite yet. Because Santa Claus is a clever man. He's read Charles Dickens; that's where he got his idea. What good would two nocturnal Christmas visitors be, to scare a stubborn person into a change of heart?

(Micky rushes in, roaring. he's garbed in a raincoat and leggings, all made out of straw, and wears a scary, scowling, blue-colored mask. wielding a large knife, he hops onto Davy's bed, growling)

Davy: (jumping out of bed) Aahghghgh!!! Who are you?!

Micky: I'm the Namahage, you little shrimp! I'm not due until the New Year, but this is an emergency. I hear you're planning to misbehave, and that's where I come in!

Davy: This is where I go out!

(he tries to escape, but Micky catches him)

Micky: Not so fast! You can't get away from my friends and I!

(Mike and Peter reenter, and the three of them surround Davy)

Narrator: What was our poor elf to do in this terrible situation? Surrounded by the punishers of naughty children the world over--and here were only three, out of so many. Would they show mercy?

Mike, Micky, and Peter: (in unison) No!

Davy: Help! Please! I'm sorry! I won't misbehave, I promise! Elves have no business being naughty! Let me go--I'm begging you!

Narrator: And, in that moment, something amazing happened.

(suddenly, his tormentors turn into ordinary elves, just like him)

Davy: (staring at them in shock) What...what...? I don't understand!

Mike: Santa found out what you had planned, and he wasn't gonna stand for it.

Peter: He didn't really mean to scare you, but he had your best interests at heart.

Micky: So he recruited the three of us to try to set you straight.

Davy: (relieved) Well, it certainly worked.

Narrator: After that, none of Santa's elves were ever tempted to misbehave again. Davy the Elf lived happily--and much more wisely--ever after.